public transportation

When riding public transportation or standing around waiting for said transport, I am the type who’ll always gravitate towards space. I don’t find solace in clustering. Some do, no harm no foul; unless of course you are looking for comfort near me.

When there is a majority of available seats, say, two to five people scattered throughout a bus/tram/train, this broad right here, this broad right here?- will go to Nut City when you forgo aaaaaaaaaaaallll of those empty seats to sit Right. Next. To. Me.

Lose it, I will!

Long ago, I came up with a neat little behaviour mod experiment, nay trick, that works like a gem on those poor hapless lemmings that can’t bear a little alone time on a mostly empty bus/train/tram.

Much like I begin to HACK AND GURGLE and prepare my best bitch face when standby passengers begin to board a flight putting my EMPTY MIDDLE SEAT status into jeopardy, I am equally tenacious when protecting the seats directly in front, next to, or in back of me on a mostly empty bus/train/tram.

I have found the aforementioned air travel histrionics necessary only rarely after I perfected my ode to BF Skinner. The only caveat: when you are dealing with a lunatic, do the opposite of what I prescribe below (i.e. nothing), lest you provide them any reason to feel invited into your world, mistakenly recognizing you as one of their tribe.

Back to maintaining precious personal space:

Immediately upon new passengers entering the bus/train/tram, start glancing methodically (with your eyes only) in the direction of  the empty seats. Add a gentle nod.

80% of people will take your non-verbal direction. Simple, right?

Now, not only do you maintain your space, but you can also relish the fact that you are a genius.

Obviously this will not work at rush time. Ever. Just be resolved that you’ll be entirely too close to someone either clipping their nails, flossing their teeth or threatening to kill you due to mistaken identity or a drug-induced unreality with a dash of mental illness thrown in.

It is public transportation after all…Don’t forget the Mustela wipes for those sticky-from-an-unknown-substance-nasty-ass-handrail situations.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhmmm…Ohhhhhmmmmmm…

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